So who are we all voting for? Let’s look at the options…
Labour, the current overseers. Untrustworthy incompetent Tory wannabees. They’ve eroded our civil freedoms, ruined what was left of the economy, treat us all like we’re idiots and repeatedly invade countries that America tells them to. They think they’re going to get away with it and should be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
Conservative, The Phantom Menace. They destroyed British industry the last time they were in to teach the unions a lesson, treat Scotland like a cross between a car park and a council tip. Their personel remain suspiciously shiny. They think we’ve all forgotten what a shower of bastards they are and should be holding labour’s hand as they line up against the wall with them when the revolution comes.
LibDem, neither up nor doon. They want to be your friend so badly, but I do worry about them. If they got into power it’s a bit like a train spotter suddenly being asked to drive the north-bound express from Kings Cross. Sure, he knows what it all looks like, he’s read the manual by torchlight under the bedcovers so many times. But stick him in the driving seat and he’s going panic when he has to stop at Glasgow Central and he’ll put the train straight through WHSmith at 125mph and into the street outside.
SNP, my local folk. They gave me my first real Scottish government (the previous Labour one in Edinburgh doesn’t count as Blair was in charge of it) and then they approve the Beauly-Denny powerline and kiss Donald Trumps golf-flavoured arse to burst my bubble and leave me distraught. They’re not the party I’ve voted for all my life anymore.
Green. I’d rather have a single huge well funded and properly maintained nuclear plant (possibly on the site of the O2 Arena in London?) than a country that looks like a hedgehog from the air (think about it).
Assorted pointless others. Stay at home instead with your oddly specific agendas/ undeserved optimism/ nazi memorabilia/ nice new ties, keep your deposit and prepare for the worst.
We really need change, and I don’t think any of the useless bastards above can provide it.
I think we should chose someone to invade and take over things. My first instinct would be the new colourful daleks as they’d be quite cheerful while dishing out the misery, my second would maybe be some sort of Scandinavian expansionist coalition. No, no, ancient Egyptians, that’d be cool.
Sinbad the Sailor for Prime Minister? Peppa Pig, a tin of Plumrose Hotdogs?
Would it really be any worse.