I’ve turned the cooling unit back on, Mother?

“Zat some good swag ye got man?”
The nasally toned question came from a pale and scrawny junkie with glazed eyes who was walking down the middle of the road.
I’d just jumped over a locked gate onto the pavement after mortaring-in a couple of holes that I’d made when I’d removed some drain pipework from the building next door. The shell-suited cavalier in question had spotted my big plastic bucket and assumed that I was operating at his level, and had been pilfering from the builders yard that I’d just sprang from.
“No, it’s half a bucket of cement, do you want what’s left?”
Like a call-centre battery hen, he scanned his screen for an appropriate response to the unexpected enquiry and came up with nothing.
“Eh, ye gawn for a drive?”
“Yes, I’m hoping to go to Kintail in a couple of days”.
“Eh, naw… naw, I was gonnae say, cannah get a lift… I’ll gie ye a couple a quid…”.
This was a conversation in motion by the way, me on the pavement heading around the front of the building, with the forthcoming statistic in a baseball cap still in the middle of the road, acting as mobile chicane for passing drivers.
My first thought was “Yeah, I’ll carry you in the same motor as I put my daughter in, you scumbag waster bastard.” Then I wondered if I could hold his head in my bucket long enough for the mortar to set on his head.
Coming back to reality with a little whoa moment. I merely explained that I was still hard at work and had much to do this day.
Good to know that my tolerance is still at the same level as it always has been, but reassuring that age and experience has given my a huge brake lever to throw on when necessary.

Anyway, the gear is indeed at the door, that drive is imminent. Doesn’t matter what the weather’s doing either.
Help ma’ Boab.

12 thoughts on “I’ve turned the cooling unit back on, Mother?”

  1. Ah you have a great way with words. I can vividly picture the scene… I think that might have been my neighbour! same nasaly tongue, white shellsuit, pale skin, skip hat, shifty looking?
    Hope you have a great trip up yonder. :o)

  2. Thats the ultimate insult that – being mistaken by a scumbag for one of his ilk. Mind you I can’t talk – the police once stopped and checked me after coming out of my own front door because they thought I looked ‘suspicious’.

  3. ‘they thought I looked ’suspicious’.’
    Do you think they were justified in that thought? ;-)

  4. Well I wasn’t wearing white trainers, a shell suit or Burberry cap if thats what you mean.

    Thats one thing that never ceases to amaze me about neds – how do they keep their trainers so gleaming white?

  5. “Then I wondered if I could hold his head in my bucket long enough for the mortar to set on his head.”

    Just paint a Burberry check on the outside of the bucket and he’d have done the rest himself…

    Is that a frisbee-type-thang, or am I seeing things?

  6. It’s a Snowclaw – the multi-tasking outdoors gear accessory that no serious adventurer should be without!
    Use it to dig holes through soft snow and hard snow (2 different blades), as a shovel, as an emergency toboggan, and as an emergency splint (presumably for when you fall off your emergency toboggan). Also useful for getting Corsas out of frozen snow filled carparks in the North West Highlands!

  7. Is it really nearly 31 years since Alien came oot? Jeez man, I’m getting old.

    Bring back life form. Priority One. All other priorities rescinded.

    Great film. A classic even.

  8. > It’s a Snowclaw

    Ah, thanks! Looks like it will almost roll up to fit into next years Christmas stocking…

  9. With that Matrix pack tooled up it looks like you are prepared to take on not only junkies but a few Agent Smiths as well Pete :)

  10. PTC Wrote-

    Anyway, the gear is indeed at the door, that drive is imminent. Doesn’t matter what the weather’s doing either.

    Ha ! Bet you didnt expect it to be quite this shite though.. Man if your out over the next few days God’s speed to you and your little Laserlite!

  11. I have returned.

    Where do I begin… It was an interesting couple of days. I shall speak of it soon.

    There were tears, there was joy, there were cuppas.

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